Community from heartfelt connections

I looked out across the pavilion at about 70 people gathered for a weekend workshop on dreamwork. Other than the two friends I had come with, and a few women in whose faces I saw potential for recognition, I did not feel connected to these people at all. A group of people does not equal community, does not guarantee connection, is not a team. You can cultivate all of those things, but it takes intention, leadership, and participation.

My friends and I, after getting a feel for the rhythm of the class, left the retreat center and went to the nearby town where we found wine, oysters, and steak frîtes. Our own communion meal.

In all the places where I’ve lived, at my job at Facebook, in my volunteering efforts, I have prioritized cultivating community. Sometimes this means creating opportunities to gather: I loved hosting “Sunday Suppers” in our backyard in California and “Driveway Dinners” when the pandemic prevented more intimate gatherings. Sometimes it means participating in gatherings others are hosting and bringing my full presence.

Sometimes, when the conditions are right, community emerges organically. I was out front of my house the other day and said hello to my neighbor’s daughter Maymay, home from college. I had helped Maymay with her college essays. Her mom Louise taught me how to make dumplings, and brings me treats from Taiwanese bakeries in Queens. They invite my family for hotpot celebration for Lunar New Year. I invite them to our house for our New Year’s neighbor potluck. The first time I met Maymay’s family was when I moved to the neighborhood three years ago and brought a jar of marmalade I had made from our orange tree in California, a gift from one community to seed another.

Now, Maymay is crossing the street to babysit Tim and Joanna’s daughters. Tim and I plan our annual neighborhood block party; he lends us his power washer and reminds us to lock our cars after some break-ins. I hear the girls laughing and jumping on Maymay’s family’s trampoline, the same trampoline where I brought my cousin Mari to play when she came with her mom to my “Siegel Sisters Reunion,” a gathering of my mother’s relatives for lunch and tea. All these tiny gestures lay the groundwork for community, and the gestures I’m not a part of, like Maymay babysitting for our neighbors, form their own branches of community that deepen our collective connection to each other.

An equation for community might be something like this:

Shared context (e.g., living in proximity to each other as neighbors)
+
Regular heartfelt exchange (e.g., college essay edits, Taiwanese treats, marmalade, trampoline)
= 
Opportunity for connection

Many connections within a shared context (e.g., babysitting, block party, potlucks, Lunar New Year)
+
Taking care of a bigger thing together, or shared values (e.g., enjoying life together, sharing resources (usually non-monetary), neighborhood care and safety)
=
Opportunity for community

A team is slightly different – it’s a specific kind of group working towards a shared objective, in which each individual has a defined role ideally aligned with their strengths. A team can be a community if there’s also heartfelt exchange and shared values, but often it’s not and doesn’t need to be. A community can also act as a team – for example, when working toward a specific project like planning a block party – but often is less structured and may not have defined roles or projects.

How to use this framework for building community:

1. Observe where these patterns already exist in your everyday life.

2. See which patterns feel generative to you – which feel energizing and which feel draining?

3. Take simple actions to support the patterns that feel energizing, in a way that’s aligned with what you like to do. You may or may not like organizing block parties and hosting potlucks, but you might be the person who sends a thoughtful message to your friend group text threads or checks on your elderly neighbor. What comes easy, and brings you joy?

The ability to recognize what makes a strong community and play a role to strengthen the communities we’re part of isn’t a “nice to have” skill – it is essential for the times we live in. The day after the 2024 election, my friend Avra texted a group of our NYC lady friends: “Our community is our resilience.” She’s right. Our mutual support for each other wields enormous power. But creating community is not a given. It takes all of our intention, our leadership, our participation.